Literary agent runs away screaming

February 27, 2010 by Writers, Artists and Insiders
Filed under: Literary Agents 

Simon Trewin blogCan a simple comment on a submission make a literary agent howl with horror? Yes, absolutely, according to this agent’s guest post:

Let’s start with the science bit – every day by email, post, carrier pigeon and osmosis I receive 10 unsolicited approaches from unrepresented writers out in the big wide literary firmament.

These come from all genres. There’s fiction (from coming-of-age to fin-de-siècle), non-fiction (from ‘My 38 Years As a Bank Manager’ to ‘Mucus – the bodily secretion that changed the world’), poetry (from love poetry to stalker poetry), cookery books and academic texts to verse drama – usually about earwigs taking over the world for some reason.

On one level I sit there excited about the wealth of creativity and on another I sit there silently screaming and wondering where the STOP button is!

The truth is that there are more writers than readers and almost all of this material will never be published in the conventional manner. But like a theatre critic sitting there as the lights go down night after night, one is always hoping that, as an agent, this is going to be your J. K. Rowling Moment. If only it were something that happened so much more often…

As one of the quality filters in the system, I am often asked how I sort the wheat from the chaff and the good from the evil.

The answer is that it really isn’t rocket science and that you, dear reader, could soon pick it up.

I start by reading the covering letter – if someone misspells my name that is never a good start and if they tell me that they have tried every agent in town and are now trying me, then that can, on a bad day, be a deal breaker. And if someone tells me they have analysed the bestseller list and created the ‘perfect bestseller’ in lab conditions, then I will most certainly run down the street screaming.

Funnily enough, screaming is not conducive to my taking on a new client.

Yours,
Grumpy Old Agent*

*Grumpy Old Agent is Simon Trewin, a literary agent at United Agents. He tweets as simontrewin.

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Comments

14 Comments on Literary agent runs away screaming

  1. Fran on Feb 27, 2010 at 16:32pm

    2. Really enjoyed this, Symun.

  2. Claire Fogg (Publisher, Yearbooks) on Mar 4, 2010 at 11:22am

    3. Ha ha. Thanks for that, Fram ;) . Is there anyone willing to admit to having once written a less-than-perfect covering letter?

  3. Xean Puccio on Mar 4, 2010 at 15:57pm

    4. ” And if someone tells me they have analysed the bestseller list and created the ‘perfect bestseller’ in lab conditions, then I will most certainly run down the street screaming.”

    I have never written a covering letter yet, but I am perplexed. People actually do those strange things? If I were to write one, rather than create displays of egotism, I would first research how to do it properly, then combine that research with my knowledge of writing to create a letter of style and substance. If I wouldn’t like to receive the letter I’d written, it would never make it into an envelope. But mistakes can happen. Under pressure, I disregarded this principle recently, submitting my first story, which I knew could have been improved. I failed myself, something that doesn’t happen very often and something I’ll try harder in the future to avoid. Regarding the phrase above, if someone where to tell me that, I would probably run down the street screaming, too.

  4. Redlorry on Mar 8, 2010 at 13:09pm

    5. Ha ha ha, as someone who is about to take her first tentative step into the big scary world of looking for an agent your post fills me with dread, hope and much valuable insight.

    Although I must admit I understood a covering letter to be a tool to sell yourself and your work – not sell it short. I thought that was common sense… must be in short supply with some!

  5. Ramsgatered on Mar 15, 2010 at 12:56pm

    6. Yes. I mispelled an agent’s name – actually got her surname completely wrong. My tip is do not email agents at the end of a hard day. I send a rapid correction but she hasn’t replied yet – but it’s only a week or so…

  6. Tom Colohue on Mar 15, 2010 at 22:16pm

    7. There’s quite a lot of information about covering letters out there, but I always like reading something like this because of the inherent character.

  7. Sunflower26 on Mar 21, 2010 at 21:43pm

    8. Ah, “a letter of style and substance.” The Holy Grail of cover letters. When you figure out how to do it, be sure to let me know…

  8. Martha on Mar 22, 2010 at 15:04pm

    9. I once co-wrote/edited a 40-page report on mucus. It sold. Tip? Don’t include any mucus on the covering letter.

  9. Jessica Blake on Mar 23, 2010 at 09:06am

    10. I admit to not writing one, ever. But I’m young, my work is far from the can…
    But I’m good with letters and I know that agents are “the power that be” so… When the time comes, I don’t plan on writing some scribble in 15 minutes and sending it off without proof-reading by my favourite grammar Nazi.
    But, mistakes happen to everyone.

  10. DanEJ on Mar 24, 2010 at 07:49am

    11. This is a wonderful site, and full of precious information, especially for someone starting out, as I am.

    I would love some advice on my particular situation. I’m writing a very British book, set in the days just after the end of WW2 in London and Europe. I’m a British citizen, but I live in Perth, Australia.

    Would it be better to approach Australian agents, or British ones? Sadly love has displaced logic, and I’m living in something of a cultural vacuum! Perth is not renowned for its literary agents!

    Help please!

  11. Jessica Blake on Mar 24, 2010 at 22:53pm

    12. My opinion is to get it to someone who can expose it, someone with good connections. If agents from Perth don’t make the cut, find an agent who can.
    Writing is a labour of love, but publishing is business. One shouldn’t confuse the two.
    With hope that you will finish/publish your book,
    sincerely,
    Jessica

  12. Xean Puccio on Mar 25, 2010 at 23:16pm

    13. Hello Sunflower,

    Just saw your post. I’m busy composing a poem for a contest and designing a sketch to go with it; all the while fighting a nasty cold. My determination is not to repeat the short story performance of composing from 12 to 3AM then feel pressured to pass up doing what I do best: Perfect things.

    There are countless ways to create a cover letter of style and substance; owing to the author’s creativity, perspectives, etc…that’s the style part. The substance part comes from learning as much information as possible, this site being a good place to start. The basic formula for combining the two is simply:

    ExP+D=L where,
    E is experimentation
    P is practice and
    D is determination with
    L being the right cover letter.

    Experiment with different ideas then Practice until the right one emerges. (I’m taking the third part, determination for granted, because you already have that, right?).

    It may take time and many tries. But, trust yourself. You will know when you get it right.

  13. misha on Apr 22, 2010 at 14:07pm

    14. As someone who has been looking for an agent for my children’s book City of Secrets for a few months now, I find the covering letter the hardest thing of all to write. Writing the book was easier and there are times when I am so, so tempted to send,
    “Here is my book. If you don’t like it, please send it back.” Because, after all, isn’t it the book that matters, not my ability to write covering letters, which is a very different skill?

  14. michaeldakin on Apr 22, 2010 at 22:10pm

    15. Oh I don’t know misha. I followed the link to your website and if you write your cover letter as well as your site presents, then I think it will be a very good letter. Your website is fabulous and reading it made me want to read your work.
    I know what you mean though. I think the problem for me is that I was brought up being told that showing off is vulgar and crass … and then I have to write a letter saying that I am wonderful and my book is wonderful too. It just feels strange to behave in such a way. Still I think what agents are looking for is the human element in the letter. I am sure that they don’t bin them instantly if the writer fails to sound like the great I am. Good luck with your book.

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