It's me again. I really appreciate your advice and help :) So here I am again. I have written a covering letter (I hope) and I was wondering if you wonderful people could say if I'm heading in the right direction with it before I spend any great amount of time tweaking it.
Dear ..... (desired agent)
I have read that you are interested in children’s and young adult fantasy and I think that my novel House of Fear and Freedom, might be something of interest to you. It is a fantasy adventure of 108,000 and aimed at 11+ readers.
Nessa, a young girl who remembers little of her past, recounts how she became imprisoned by those loyal to the dark king…
After 500 years of peace, sinister forces are gathering strength. Shadows and monsters are on the trail of Nessa, who holds the future of the Twelve Kingdoms in her unassuming hands, dragging her through a portal to another dimension.
Nessa runs from those who hunt her, longing for her home a world away. Hunter, a boy with a past full of secrets and Nessa’s only ally, risks everything to save her from those who do anything to use her powers for their own means. Together they flee across a perilous land to find a lost friend and a creature of old who unveils secrets that will shatter everything Nessa has ever known.
House of Fear and Freedom is my first novel, now one of three, with a fourth currently being planned. I am self-employed, owning my own fantasy and historical jewellery business, which allows me plenty of time to write my novels.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Many Thanks,
K. Stevens
I think it's a huge improvement but I think there's still a way to go on this. Overall it's still very generic - all I take from it is 'portal fantasy'. I'm not left with any particular impression of this particular book.
The first thing to mention is that your word count may be a bit long for your market. 108,000 is fine for an older market but when you go to the bookshop and look at what's there for your age group, are there any that long?
Your housekeeping paragraph can go at either the end or the beginning. My preference is the end unless you have a specific reason for querying an agent - eg, they've mentioned on Twitter they're looking for your type of book. If it's just because they rep your genre, I shouldn't worry about it. The title of the book should also be in capitals. So, for your letter, your final paragraph may simply read something like:
'HOUSE OF FEAR AND FANTASY (108,000 words) is a Fantasy Adventure novel for readers aged 11 and over.'
You could follow it with a line like: 'It is the first in a projected 9823 book series'.
With your bio, I'd scratch the line about being self-employed giving you lots of time to write. I don't remember who said it, but the failure state of funny is arsehole. Quite honestly, as a self-employed person, the way it was put made me think less of you, as in 'well, she's clearly not working hard enough, then'.
Okay, to the book. Try summing it up in a couple of lines. Ex-agent Nathan Bransford uses a formula:
[protagonist name] is a [description of protagonist] living in [setting]. But when [complicating incident], [protagonist name] must [protagonist's quest] and [verb] [villain] in order to [protagonist's goal].
It's a good starting point. So, for you something like,
[Nessa] is a [chosen one?] ... [dragged to another world]. But when [she's pursued by evul dudes], [Nessa] must [find a lost creature?] and [prevent?] [Evul Dude] from [using Nessa's power to take over the world?]
As I say, it's a starting point.
Right now I'd stop worry about the writing and work on clearly explaining the premise of your novel in a single paragraph. There's a bit too much of the movie trailer voice about these and not enough of what makes your book unique. Let's get the basics down, then work on the style.
Hi again, Kimberley.
Wouldn't it be lovely to write the letter addressed, Dear Desired Agent? That would get you noticed!
Repetition - interested/interesting, fantasy/fantasy, both in the first two lines. One of the things agents and publishers say is a turn off is when someone writes, 'I hope you'll be interested' - they say it's obvious; why would the writer be contacting them otherwise?
'might be something of interest' - well, a book, hopefully. It sounds as though you're trying to avoid saying it. Also perhaps phrase the first line differently: 'As publishers of B. Blah's series of fantasy novels for the 11+ age group, I believe you will enjoy my novel, House of Fear and Freedom' or words to that effect - then tell them something about the book. ('I believe' is strong, and gives the impression you have faith in your work.)
Is House of Fear and Freedom one of a trilogy? If so, I'd mention that at the beginning, not the end. Publishers may well be more interested in a series than in a stand-alone from a new writer. Or are the other two novels you mention different? It's not clear.
Loose the ellipsis - it doesn't add anything, and the publisher may find it annoying, as though you're suggesting that something good happens next but you won't tell them what it is.
Have you had any stories published that you can mention? Previous history goes down well.
'Thank you for your time... Many thanks' - repetition.
Getting closer, but not quite there yet! Have you looked in the Advice section up at the top, to the part about queries and submissions? I'm not sure what's in there but it may help.
Good luck!
Lorraine