Hi guys,
So last night I stayed up super late writing up a scene that takes place in one of my chapters, and when I finally finished I read through it and felt a strange feeling that I don't normally have when I finish something. I was actually proud of what I wrote? Anyway I was hoping to have a few other people comment on it and see what they think.
Thank you guys :)
Theodore,
I had a chance to read through your posting. I can see why you were proud of what you had written. I think you did a nice job of slowing down and taking the time to describe the environment. The pace is low enough to allow the time to catch the nuances, and fast enough that you don't feel bored and ready to turn the page.
From a story and plot perspective I think you did a good job. The reader develops a feeling about the characters very easily and the desire to keep reading is strong. In just this short excerpt, we the reader already have a solid image of who the people are, how they live, and how the main character feels about the situation. Good work.
From a technical perspective, there are quite a few context errors and punctuation problems. There always are in a first draft. Take a few minutes and read the scene out loud, and I think most of them will become apparent to you. I doubt it was your intent to have your story 'red inked' to death here, so I won't.
Creative writing is all about telling the story and drawing the reader into another world for awhile. That's the fun part, and you have done it well. The technical part can be daunting as it engages a very different part of your mind to accomplish. It is important however. A great scene can be mired down very rapidly by poor word choice, run on sentences, and other grammatical errors.
Good luck, keep going, and I look forward to reading more of your work.