Hello, I would greatly appreciate your feedback on my short editorial about the LGBTQ party scene in London found on my shared work page here: https://www.writersandartists.co.uk/profile/anna-hur/work/5ee3db4c38714059168b4569
Thank you in advance.
Warm regards,
Anna
Hi Edward,
Thank you for your feedback. I felt a zing as I read it. I appreciate it very much.
Here is an edited piece.
https://www.writersandartists.co.uk/profile/anna-hur/work/5f1affa6387140304f8b4569
Thank you very much for your time.
Warm wishes,
Anna
I enjoyed the rather staccato style, it reminded me of my own thoughts – quick short bursts. It was as though I was inside your head and thinking what you were thinking.
If my interpretation is correct (and I am not suggesting it is), you might add sounds, colours, and smells – the ‘feel’ of the places you mention. I found there was far too much for me to have to fill in.
For instance, where you mention what I would refer to as ‘the ladies room’, you give very little detail. I once was invited to look inside such a room, and found it an interesting mix of pastel colours, scents and lighting.
I recall the small gilded chairs had plush seat covers – rouched and very pretty – and easy to take off to wash or replace!
The scents were changed daily, but were always mild earthy smells (Lavender, Jasmine, Rosemary, and so on). I was told it was important to make the changes but not to overpower perfume the ladies were wearing. Anyone going in wearing a fancy perfume did not want to come out smelling as though they had been romping in the countryside!
The lights were not bright, and the lamps were coloured – the shades were ornate (very feminine I thought at the time). There were small bright lights over the mirrors and they were on timers which switched off after one minute – though they could be switched on again for another minute.
I am not suggesting any of these details suit your story, but I would have welcomed descriptions.
As I said I enjoyed the style, and the brevity was good, but I would still have put more into it – it read too quickly and I finished too soon.
At the end I concluded, Heaven is a lonely place.
Your principle character was a lonely woman, not knowing (it seemed to me) just what it was she wanted or was looking for. I suspect that is true of such characters. She was on a search for something she could not find – she went home alone…
You may be interested in my reading technique; I read the first ten or so lines, and the last ten lines, and choose two random slices from the body of the text. I have always followed the advice of Jan van Druten given in his play ‘I Remember Mama’ – ‘You do not have to eat a whole meal to know if someone is a good cook.’
Having dipped in, I was satisfied enough to read your piece in its entirety. I look forward to the re-write.