Room for improvement???

by Joseph Dowds
17th February 2015

Music tribute

My modern guide to literacy please check the connotation, Linkin Park and Jayzs numb is full of motivation, Inspiration sourced from there, the cleansing of my soul, my history a fire burns the words of Billy Joel, Bryan Adams gave me love the Beatles gave me help, The art form ringing in my ears describing how I felt, Eminem gave hope and fight, just as the dawn light faded Louise a guilty pleasure I loved her single naked.

They say we are  the champions I'm feeling like I've won, The killer Queens both good and bad, with all the things that I have done, Micheal Jacksons history it's back there in the past, a stones throw from the  fields of gold, Created and it's sure to last.

Life is full of ups and downs, It's harder to be nice, Celine keeps screaming in my ear, you hold on now, no you think twice. Extreme ways keep the balance there, the blue touch paper lighted.

The pointer sisters calm me down although I'm so excited, Dire straights the mans too strong, Then I begin to see, The music breathes new life in me, I want my mtv, it's took its time but all things do, I'm always in a hurry. I'm happy now, I thank you Bob, I've said good bye to worry. ABBA were the first in line, It's there quote but ill use it, The artists that have gone before, I thank you for the music.

Replies

Thanks Jeff, In many respects there's a lot of things I've wrote that could be "sub sectioned" as poetry/rap, and other people's thoughts are helpful in determining which category I should move them into. I'm sometimes at a loss as a friend has told me many times if it's truthful it's poetic, so there lies the confliction.

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Joseph
Dowds
330 points
Developing your craft
Joseph Dowds
18/02/2015

Well I'm probably totally the wrong person to answer this, but I kinda read it like a rap song, is that what you intended? The poet in me rolled along with it, though I lost a couple of rhymes in there somewhere. Just for no other reason than you posted it here, can I break it down into lines, to see how it looks, see if it influences the cadence you're aiming for? Okay, thanks.

My modern guide to literacy please check the connotation,

Linkin Park and Jayzs numb is full of motivation,

Inspiration sourced from there, the cleansing of my soul,

my history a fire burns the words of Billy Joel,

Bryan Adams gave me love the Beatles gave me help,

The art form ringing in my ears describing how I felt,

Eminem gave hope and fight, just as the dawn light faded

Louise a guilty pleasure I loved her single naked.

They say we are the champions I'm feeling like I've won,

The killer Queens both good and bad, with all the things that I have done,

Micheal Jackson's history it's back there in the past,

a stone's throw from the fields of gold, Created and it's sure to last.

Life is full of ups and downs, It's harder to be nice,

Celine keeps screaming in my ear, you hold on now, no you think twice.

Extreme ways keep the balance there, the blue touch paper lighted.

The pointer sisters calm me down although I'm so excited,

Dire straights the man's too strong, Then I begin to see,

The music breathes new life in me, I want my mtv,

it's took its time but all things do, I'm always in a hurry.

I'm happy now, I thank you Bob, I've said good bye to worry.

ABBA were the first in line, It's there quote but I'll use it,

The artists that have gone before, I thank you for the music.

I did put some apostrophes in. So there's only the one awkward rhyme of 'help' with 'felt' - they're close enough homophones, I guess... but whatif you did this:

Bryan Adams gave me love the Beatles they can't buy it,

The art form ringing in my ears describing how I'd try it,

Can't buy me love was always better than Help, anyday...

Profile picture for user jeff4ric_37323
Jeff
Richards
330 points
Practical publishing
Short stories
Fiction
Crime, Mystery, Thriller
Adventure
Autobiography, Biography and Memoir
Comic
Speculative Fiction
Historical
Romance
Jeff Richards
18/02/2015