Cassia's Adventure - Chapter 3

I really didn't want to go out. Yet I had no choice. So if I really had to go, then I could only make the best of things.

My current outfit didn't have the right feel to it, for what I had to face. So I pulled off my black jeans and blue top and opted for my best blue skinny's and a red top, fitted around the top and then gently flaring out around me. I hoped it disguised my weight loss as I noted that my jeans felt loose. I hadn't admitted to Fliss how much I'd actually lost.

I brushed out my hair and braided two front sections before pinning them back and added a red love heart clip to conceal the pins. I found my gold necklace that sat neatly in the groove of my collar bones, then put on a touch of make up. I rarely wore any, but I felt like maybe I needed a little, as though it was possible hide behind thicker and darker lashes and bright lip gloss.

As a final attempt at confidence, I slipped on my high heeled black wedge shoes. I'm generally taller than any of the women I would be spending the evening with, so I didn't really need them. But I hoped adding more height to my appearance would give me an edge.

“Cassia!” my mother's voice bellowed.

My eyes scanned my form in the mirror. The colour, the elegance, that was supposed to disguise the broken pieces of a person beneath.

'Here we go Sia.” I whispered.

Sia. When Fliss and Joe were tiny, for some reason, they called me Sia, rather than Cass. Then they just stopped and everyone seemed to forget. Sia felt like a forgotten half of me. The confident half. I sometimes call on her when I have need.

“Bloody hell Cass.” Dad said when I went downstairs. “There's no need to dress up!”

Now I felt stupid. I was just Cass, shy and awkward and useless. Could never get anything right.

Fliss changed her patchy jeans for a skirt, but they're all pretty casual still. Sia rises again, telling me to be defiant, so I pretend it doesn't matter what they say. I just walk out with my head held high.

We walked off down the road. The pub were were going to had big gardens and was just a ten minute walk away.

As we arrived at the old thatched building, Joe's car pulled up and he got out, alone. Kelly had obviously found a way out.

Inside, it wasn't hard to find Elaine, Charlie, Linsay and Paul on the far side, by the long windows that looked out into the space beyond. Their sons, two apiece, were all at one end and Joe and Fliss sit down and easily fall into conversation. The adults do the same at the other end. I sit somewhere in the middle, not having said a word, simply making our group an odd number and not contributing anything.

For forty five minutes, it worked. Until I heard Elaine saying:

“And what is Cassia doing these days?”

All eyes turned to me and I froze, my cheeks heating. But before I could answer, my parents leapt in.

“Nothing, that's what.” Dad.

“She just reads all day.” Mum.

“Turned down a job the other week, said it felt wrong.” Dad again.

“Stupid to turn down work.” Mum.

“She should have trained for something else. Should have done it ages ago.”

I swallow hard. He was the one who convinced me not to train in a vocational subject because it meant I giving up on the idea of University.

“ Such a waste.” said Lindsay.

“She could have gone far.” That was Charlie.

They continued to criticise and belittle me, when I was sitting right there, listening to every word. They didn't care that I wasn't commenting on my own life.

“Where are you going?” Fliss asked as I pushed back my chair, the adults finally talking about something else.

“I'm feeling drowsy. I need some fresh air.” I replied and walked out. No one tried to stop me, but I knew my sister watched me and I went to seek solitude and darkness.

My feet carried me towards the very back, along the path, through the gap in the hedge divide. It was really quiet there, a good distance away from the building. I heard the music start up.

There were little solar lights low down on the path, but I knew there were none in the largest and deepest garden that was currently closed off. The arched gateway in the wall at the end was locked. I could not escape into the deepest and darkest space.

There was a bench nearby and I sank on to it, leaning back and staring up at the stars, but not really seeing them, trying to remember to breathe.

No one ever really understood. Over and over again, I had made decisions based on what they wanted. Going to uni, taking jobs I didn't want or felt I should run far away from. Decisions I made to make them happy, and which always ended in disaster

I loved my family. But so often, I had found myself hating them too. Almost as much as I hated myself

Something in me was breaking. I knew that drinking tea and reading could no longer help me. I braced my arms on my thighs and leaned forward, feeling the panic, and self disgust, the pressure of everything begin to take over every sense, every thought. Invisible walls were closing in. The pain, the confusion I felt now, were beyond tears.

Through the pounding of heart and harsh breathing that I tried to get under control, I heard the sound of a lock clicking and I looked up. The gate in the wall, the way to the darkest gardens, swung open and the space was completely filled with moonlight.

For a moment, I didn't register exactly what had just happened. Then I got to my feet and slowly walked to to the now open archway, my panic gone.

Roses climbed up around the wall. As I looked into the space beyond, I saw things that shouldn't have been there.