The Unconventional Hitman

So, where do I start? They always say the best way to start is at the beginning but I’ve always thought that was a bit corny and cliché. So I am going to start here, right now. My name is Dave, like the TV channel. Its not my real name of course as this is a type of memoir or diary and as you’ll find out, in my line of work, you never give your real name, or any details for that matter.

Its also worth pointing out that my words and grammar may not be used in the conventional way, I would say sorry for that, but as I’m not expecting to get this published or anything I don’t give a toss. Its not like I’m a fucking professor or English teacher! Nope, this is purely for my own benefit and more to the point, I’m bored as fuck on a stakeout and there’s only so much crap you can read about how shitty people’s lives on Facebook can be. Don’t get me wrong, I can be sympathetic but half the time isn’t it what we all do? Judge others on the crap they post? Half the time the situation they put themselves in is of their own making anyway, so the way I see it is ‘suck it up and get on with it’. It’s not just the negatives that get on my wick, its the happy clappers too.’ Look at how great my life is, look where I am, what I am doing?’ Fuck off! The only reason I stay on social media is for work. You lot put so much of your lives on there I could literally go around your Aunt Joan's house whilst she’s out washing her smalls at the local launderette, nick all her stuff, rig a timer and a slightly faulty gas stove so when she comes home to make her tea at six o’clock like she does every fucking day, blow the place sky high leaving little to no evidence I was there or that anything was taken. Jesus, you’re all so easy!

I’m guessing you’re having wild stabs at my occupation? Well I ain't no tea leaf, I don’t need anyone else's gear, got everything I need, and that's not much anyway. If I was to beat around the bush and say ‘I clean’ or ‘I take care of other peoples problems, its just a fancy way of saying I am a hitman. Well, I am, of sorts, I just don’t use weapons. Personally, I find them boring, a little bit of a dull method. Anyone can take a shot from long range, close up is harder, but where is the creativity? Where is the invention? Plus, its a straight way to prison or getting done in yourself. Nah, I’m the unconventional hitman. I study people, their lives, their property. If their car fan belt squeals in the rain, I’ll know it. If they have a bad habit of never tying their shoelaces as they run out of the door late for work again for the third time that week, I’ll know it. If they have a new all singing, all dancing toaster which butters the bread as it pops out, yet is due a recall and they haven’t sent it back, I’ll know about it. And when the time is right and all the stars and planets have aligned, I’ll set a ‘booby trap’ if you will, calculating their very demise, but hidden in a very plausable and convincing way. Not only ensuring that nothing can be traced back to yours truly, but also providing a long and prosperous career. Now I wouldn’t necessarily call it the most ethical job, but its certainly a work of art.

That's it, I’m an artist, just a very bespoke and niche one.