English is not my native language and so I worry that some of the strange use I have put to the language below is emerging Author's voice, (which I don't want to suppress), or just plain bad English. Please could you help me with these examples below and tell me what you prefer or how you would re-word it?
1. Every day, for someone, somewhere in the world- ‘today’ metamorphoses into ‘the’ day: too much use of the word day in this sentence?
2. we don’t often speak when he is traveling and when we do, one, or the both of us, are so tired, that it is a short conversation: are so tired or is so tired? Awkward sentence that I should reword?
3. Despite abjectly missing each other when we were apart, our reunions were fraught with tension, as though our lack of contact for weeks meant we had to relearn contours that had once been familiar/meant we had forgotten what had once been familiar and delightful: which alternate ending to the sentence do you prefer?
4. I freeze him with a glare of eye and contemptuous curl of lip, and he leaps back at my hostile expression.: delete ‘of eye’ from sentence and awkward use of language? I want to keep ‘of eye’ even if slightly ungrammatical as it is in sync with curl of lip
5. with a strange gleam in his eye.: Strange gleam to his eye? Which one?
6. Perched between his mother and me in the backseat: Perched between his mother and I?