Hi every one, I've found myself at that dreaded time - SUBMITTING.
I was wondering if anyone would offer any advice/editing/critique of what I have for my covering letter so far? At the moment I'm working on the 'selling of the book' part of the covering letter... So here it is...
The war was fought and won five hundred years ago. Now the seeds of war have been sown once again. Alone, frightened, a girl who remembers little recounts how she ended up imprisoned by those loyal to the dark king…
Sinister forces are once again at work in the Ten Kingdoms. Shadows and monsters are on the trail of a girl who holds the future of the kingdoms in her unassuming hands.
Nessa runs from those who hunt her, longing for home a world away, the hounds of war snapping at her heels. Hunter, a boy with a past full of secrets, risks everything to save this girl from those who would do anything to use her for their own means. Together they flee across a perilous land to find a lost friend and a creature of old that unveils secrets that will change everything forever.
...Will this capture the agents attention (for the right reasons)? It's a fantasy adventure aimed at readers 11+. Any (non rude) advice is really appreciated :)
Thanks guys, I think it's quite clear I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to this covering letter business. Better start all over again.
You have to avoid repetitions, Kimberley: '(the seeds of war have been sown) once again...(Sinister forces are) once again (at work)'; 'a girl who (remembers little)...a girl who (holds the future)'; 'the war was fought...the seeds of war...the hounds of war'
'how she ended up imprisoned' - oh, the temptation to use the words 'end(ed) up' in such a letter - to be avoided!
'to save this girl' - do you mean Nessa, or are Nessa and Hunter working together to save the unnamed girl? If she is 'a girl who remembers little', how can she long for a home a world away? How can she recount how she came to be imprisoned? What is is that she can't remember?
'a lost friend and a creature of old that unveils secrets that will change everything forever.' This seems clumsy: repeating 'that' doesn't help, but what part does the lost friend play?
You need to hit the agent between the eyes with what makes your story different from all the other fantasy/wars of the worlds novels. Every word has to count - you get one go at this with each agent you submit to, after all.
Is the book about the war, or about the girl? If it's aimed at 11+, you should consider what would attract the reader; my guess is the character and her situation, not the resurgence of war. I wouldn't start with the history, then - put that in later; 'After 500 years of peace, sinister forces are on the rise in the Ten Kingdoms. Success or failure hangs on Nessa...' or something like that. (Why only one king, if there are ten kingdoms?)
Back to the drawing board!
I find it a bit overblown and non-specific if I'm honest. I don't leave this thinking 'Oooh, that sounds interesting', I leave it feeling a bit confused. Plus I'm a pedant so I'm internally complaining about the fact the first paragraph tells us a girl is in the hands of captors, but the third para refers to Nessa (whom I assume is the unnamed girl of before) being on the run.
Cut the cliches ('hounds of war' 'seeds of war' 'change everything forever') and tell me about *your* book. Begin with your main character, not 'a girl'.