Thanks to Lorraine and Dor. Your help and advice is invaluable :) So here's my third attempt... fingers crossed its betting better.
Dear Clare Wallace
I have read that you represent Dave Rudden and I believe my novel House of Fear and Freedom, will be something of interest to you. It’s a fantasy adventure of 108,000 words aimed at 11+ readers, and is the first of a planned trilogy.
Nessa is a normal girl living in an ordinary place. But when she is magically transported to the Twelve Kingdoms, Nessa must undertake a perilous escape and flee minions of the Dark King in order to find a creature of legend who might know why a dragon egg hatched only for her and of a way back home.
I own my own fantasy and historical jewellery business, which allows me plenty of time to follow my true passion, writing my novels. I have taken a short course with the Open University in writing fiction, and will be soon starting a journalism course with Cardiff University.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Kimberley Stevens
Hi Kimberly
Short and too the point - the only sentence I find slightly unwieldy is
Nessa must undertake a perilous escape and flee minions of the Dark King in order to find a creature of legend who might know why a dragon egg hatched only for her and of a way back home.
Its soo long - can it be broken up? it needs a comma in the very least
hope that helps
It's the hook sentence that's the key (I think, but hey I'm not an agent)...
How about...
Nessa, an ordinary girl, is magically transported to the Twelve Kingdoms and is in peril from the Dark King. She must find a creature of legend to help her get home, and explain why a dragon egg hatched only for her.
Hi Lorraine, and thanks ever so much for you help. This covering letter business seems to get more and more difficult every time I attempt it, and it's driven my mum and I crazy trying to figure out how to do it.