Thanks to Lorraine and Dor. Your help and advice is invaluable :) So here's my third attempt... fingers crossed its betting better.
Dear Clare Wallace
I have read that you represent Dave Rudden and I believe my novel House of Fear and Freedom, will be something of interest to you. It’s a fantasy adventure of 108,000 words aimed at 11+ readers, and is the first of a planned trilogy.
Nessa is a normal girl living in an ordinary place. But when she is magically transported to the Twelve Kingdoms, Nessa must undertake a perilous escape and flee minions of the Dark King in order to find a creature of legend who might know why a dragon egg hatched only for her and of a way back home.
I own my own fantasy and historical jewellery business, which allows me plenty of time to follow my true passion, writing my novels. I have taken a short course with the Open University in writing fiction, and will be soon starting a journalism course with Cardiff University.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely,
Kimberley Stevens
Hi again, Kimberely. Still not sure about that 'something of interest'.
Have you written any more of the trilogy yet? Worth mentioning if Book 2 is nearly there, for instance.
The sentence beginning 'But' is very long; you don't need the second 'Nessa' - we already know who you mean; 'undertake a perilous escape and flee' - don't they mean the same thing? And does one undertake an escape?
How about something like this:
'Nessa believes she is an ordinary girl to whom nothing unusual happens, until she is transported to the Twelve Kingdoms and has to fight for her survival against the minions of the Dark King. Why does a dragon's egg hatch only for her? And how is she to find her way home? Teaming up with by Hunter, a boy with strange powers, she races to find a legendary creature who may hold the answers.'
That brings in the extra element of Hunter (appeals to boys and girls that way).
Did the OU course give a diploma or any qualification? If so, you could say,' I have a diploma in fiction writing from the OU.' Or name the course - less vague.
Hope this helps, though the more you look at it, the harder it seems to get!